| |
Remembering Our Children
[ Printer friendly version ]
My Experience: A Mother Reflects
"I want my son to always be remembered. It is important for me to tell his story, for his sake, for my own and in doing so, perhaps our experience can help other families cope with the loss."
This is a short summary of my personal experience of my son's death. His name is Austin and he left May 3rd, 2002 at the age of nine. He was very wise for his years and was able to share his experiences through his journey with me. I am sharing them with you to hopefully give you a speck of comfort and hope.
I never believed Austin would die, I went through anticipatory grieving and counseling and even spiritual counseling and my brain would not wrap itself around the idea that I would not have him here always. I still didn't believe it even after he died. I waited for his friends to pulll in the driveway and have him hop out of the car, it was a long time before I could fae the reality that he was not coming back. My whole life circled around meeting his needs and dealing with the next crises, I was lost thinking I wouldn't have him here. His sense of humor parelled mine and no one else would get our jokes, I could read his thoughts. We were an extension of each other. When he died I went with him for awhile. Time and space didn't make sense, I had a hard time interacting with my family, my work, my friends. I felt as though I was floating around and at any moment I would just be swept away. I wasn't swept away and I believe I am living my life bigger than ever. He shared precious gifts with me before he left and I held onto them, remembering them when I needed strength.
First of all he told me there is no death, nothing really dies and we have it all wrong. I can hear his voice telling me this in frustration of the pain and fear I was feeling. He would see angels all around us and shared that we are all angels, "there are angels on earth and angels in heaven and it is all the same." He said the whole Universe is filled with love. "The whole Universe is loving you right now Mom, the whole Universe is filled with love and it is loving you." He would cross over and come back with these gems of information. One day I built up the courage to ask him how he knew all that he was sharing, quietly he replied, "you knew this too, you just forgot when you grew up."
So this is what I know after watching my beautiful son suffer and leave this world. I am still here and I have been honored with the knowledge of this information. He does not suffer any more, the pain I feel is solely my pain for not having him the way I had him in his physical body. I will be with him again, in the meantime I choose to grieve him how I live, passionately, strong, fiercely at times, and full of love for this Universe that is loving me.
Kimberly Bell
December 12, 2005
If you could spare us a moment of your time...
We are working to make sure that families receive ongoing
family-centered care from the point of diagnosis and throughout the course
of treatment. We would appreciate it if you would take a few moments to
assist us in our efforts to better support families like yours, by filling
out this quick survey.
Take the Survey |
|
|
