Remembering Our Children

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Ten Lessons About Grief From Children

Teaching children about grief is an important task. They need to be informed about what they may be experiencing and be assured of being loved and supported. At the same time, adults can learn from observing the ways children grieve because more times than not, children are just like adults in their grief, yet more honest and candid. The following observations are from working with hundreds of children ages 7-16 who have lost a loved one.

Lesson #1
Some things will make you cry, even when you don't want to cry. You weren't really planning on crying, but the memory was too strong not to cry. It's okay to cry, especially when you've got people around you crying.

Lesson #2
Sometimes you need to take a break from grieving. Learning the lessons of grief is an important task, but so is resting and having fun.

Lesson #3
Just because someone is laughing and having fun doesn't mean they're still not hurting. Taking breaks from our grief doesn't mean the grief isn't still there. Calm water on the surface doesn't mean it's completely calm underneath.

Lesson #4
It's nice to know people are willing to listen to you, but it's even nicer to have them be willing to wait until you're ready to talk. Some people have trouble sharing their feelings. They need time to develop trust. They don't care to let you know, until you have let them know that you care.

Lesson #5
People who have been through like experiences of loss can communicate on a deep level, with or without words. You don't necessarily have to hear someone talk about their pain to know it's real, especially if you've experienced something similar.

Lesson #6
Not everyone wants to participate in 'group' activities. Just as people are different and enjoy different things, people also grieve differently and receive help and support in different ways. A favorite book or story may not mean as much to someone else as it does to you. They may find help and support in other ways.

Lesson #7
Helping children deal with their stuff will bring up your stuff. Time distances, but it doesn't always heal. Experiencing a loss is not necessarily dealing with a loss. The adult in you may say it's okay now, but the little child inside of you may still be hurting and need someone to understand.

Lesson #8
The most meaningful, healing moments may not be on the agenda. A lot of good work at the children’s camp is done during lesson time, but some of the best work is done sitting by the lake, getting the courage to leap off the tower onto the zip-line, or taking that one last step that helps you reach the top of the wall, knowing that if you climbed that wall there are other walls in your life that you can climb as well.

Lesson #9
Kids are still kids. They shouldn't want to stay up late and talk after 'lights out' because they are grieving children, and grieving children are different. Not so. Grief is a part of you, but there are other parts, and that's okay.

Lesson #10
Even though it hurts to remember, you don't ever want to stop remembering. As the balloons launch into the sky on Sunday morning at the children’s camp, they go in search of someone we believe will always be out there whether we can see them or not, and knowing that they may find a part of them helps us recover a part of us. Seeing through tears is still seeing. Hearing in silence is still hearing. Feeling with a broken heart is still feeling. It wasn't in our power to keep you from dying, but our memories of you will live forever.


Getting help for a grieving child is a family affair. While the child's grief is certainly individual and personal, the child is still grieving in a family environment. Don't just get help for the child, let the entire family be part of the process and learn to hurt and heal together.

For more information about helping children through difficult times, click here or go to www.caringinfo.org (under “Grief/Resources”).

Article contributed by Larry Dawalt, Director of Community Outreach
Hospice & Palliative Care Charlotte Region, Charlotte, NC
www.hpccr.org