Transforming Grief

"The only thing I can do while grieving is to keep riding the wave and pray that when it breaks, someone will be standing there to catch me."

What is grief? When we think of grief we tend to think only in terms of death. The reality is that we experience grief throughout our lives; i.e., when a child is born with special needs, divorce, moving, job loss, different life stages, death of a dream, etc.. Grief is the normal emotional, psychological, and physical response that comes from the loss of someone or something important to you. Our prior experience with different types of loss affects how we grieve the death of a loved one. Each person’s journey with grief is unique. Mourning is the external expression of grieving. Everybody grieves, but not everybody mourns. There are no ‘rights’ or ‘wrongs’ when grieving or mourning; you just need to pay attention to what you are feeling and be comfortable with following your heart. Time is one of the difficult things when we are in the mourning process, because our society is not very accepting of people who grieve for a long period of time. Problems often occur when well-meaning people try to ‘advise’ us on what we should do, and how we should do it!

Those of us grieving the loss of a child hold a special grief. It is a loss like no other and the painful grief we live day after day is intense and real.

Grief engulfs us. It affects us on many different levels; physically, emotionally, cognitively, spiritually, and socially. People experience a broad range of emotions including feelings of emptiness, confusion, exhaustion, anger, anxiety, depression, and panic, as well as many others. Even though we may try to avoid the pain and emotions caused by loss, we know that pain continues despite our best efforts to ignore its reality. As difficult as it is, it is important to accept the pain, to acknowledge its presence, and to experience all the different emotions and feeling that are present when mourning.

“Grief is a journey, often perilous and without clear direction, that must be taken. The experience of grieving cannot be ordered or categorized, hurried or controlled, pushed aside or ignored indefinitely. It is inevitable as breathing, as change, as love. It may be postponed, but it will not be denied.”
Molly Fumia


Grief work is exhausting and challenging. Grief work can drain us and dominate our lives. It challenges us to continue. Because of this, it is important to take care of yourself. Give yourself permission to feel your loss and to take whatever time is necessary to mourn the loss of your child. There is no timetable for, or limit to grief. People are often discouraged by the feeling that they are not ‘moving on’. The reality is that although there are aspects of grieving that are common to everyone, the journey is unique for each of us. People have compared it to feeling like they are on an emotional rollercoaster, feeling acute sadness one day, anger the next, fine another, and so on. There is often a sense of having lost control, but the reality is that grief becomes intensified before it becomes better.

Self care is important. Figure out ways to take care of yourself whether it is by taking naps, going on walks, seeking out supportive friends, pursuing spiritual renewal, journaling, artwork, poetry, movies, etc. If possible, try to find some form of expression for your feelings.

It takes courage to grieve. Most people don’t want to. It hurts, it takes time and energy, and there are always things that we would rather be doing, or should be doing. Feelings don’t simply go away by themselves. Whether or not we choose to accept it, if we love and lose something precious, we will grieve. Experience the pain and allow yourself to follow your feelings wherever they take you.

“Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith. It is the price of love.” Anonymous

The feelings we have during this process are a reflection of the relationship we have lost. Every tear shed is a tribute to that which is gone. It is a process of experiencing the pain, learning to adjust to your new reality, and finally redirecting the emotional energy into other aspects of your life.

“We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.” Kenji Miyazawa

Article contributed by Dr. Kate Eastman, Psy.D, LCSW and Dr. Elizabeth Samenfeld-Spect, MA, LCPC, LAMFTfrom The Jason Program, a pediatric palliative care program located in Maine. www.jasonprogram.org